W hen I ask parents what they do to ensure that their children are physically fit, they don’t have much trouble giving me a list of practical strategies.

Emotional health, however, is harder to define. You can’t take children’s emotional temperatures or easily diagnose their moods and feelings. While all parents know that emotional health is every bit as crucial as physical health, few know what to do about it.

Raising an emotionally healthy child requires care and attention. It helps to know where you should focus that attention. Here’s how to provide an effective way to lay the groundwork in your daily interactions:

Distinguish between feelings and behavior. There’s no such thing as a wrong feeling. Feelings just are. At one time or another, everyone feels frustrated, disappointed, angry, upset, jealous or scared.

When people make statements like, “I could just kill her,” we understand that they’re letting off steam. They are not really planning murder at all. However, parents forget this when their children are the ones doing the verbalizing.

Example: Your eight-year-old is angry because you won’t let him ride his bike after dinner. Instead, you asked him to help wash the dishes. He picks up a plate and cries, “I feel like throwing this stupid plate out the window!”

Negative response: Behaving as if your child is really planning to throw the plate out the window and saying, “How could you even think of doing such a thing? These are my favorite dishes.”

Better: Understanding that feelings are different from actions.

Helpful: “I know that you wish you didn’t have to help me with the dishes. Wouldn’t it be great if we never had to wash dishes again?”

In this way, you have acknowledged the legitimacy of your child’s feelings. That is usually what children are looking for when they make dramatic statements.

Enable emotional expression. All parents enjoy hearing their children express love, pleasure and happiness. It’s difficult, though, to hear them express negative feelings such as rage and envy.

When you allow your children to express a full range of emotions, not just positive ones, you give them permission to be open about their feelings, and you give yourself the opportunity to show support and empathy.

Example: Your daughter is having trouble adjusting to the presence of a new baby brother. The baby takes up a lot of your time and cries often and loudly.

One day when you tell your daughter you can’t read her a story until after her baby brother is fed, she bursts into tears and says, “I wish we could give that yucky baby back to the hospital. I hate him.”

Negative response: It’s tough for a parent to hear such strong resentment. You may be tempted to become angry and say, “How dare you speak that way about your little brother? He’s just a baby.” Or you might want to deny the feelings altogether by saying, “Of course you don’t hate him. You don’t really mean that.”

Better: See your daughter’s statement as healthy and normal. It can be a huge adjustment to have a new sibling, and your daughter may be worried that you don’t love her as much because you pay so much attention to the baby. Reassure your child by saying, “I know it’s hard when you have to wait for the baby to be fed. I’m really looking forward to reading with you. It’s my favorite part of the day. You pick the story, and I’ll be with you in 15 minutes.”

Be an askable parent. Kids of all ages need to know that it’s safe to ask you any question. And they need to know that they can turn to you when they are troubled or confused.

An askable parent can be trusted to respond to questions nonjudgmentally, without overreacting, expressing shock or using the question as an opportunity to nag, threaten or scold.

Example: Your 12-year-old comes to you and asks, “Let’s say you saw somebody drinking beer at a party. What would you do?”

You might assume this isn’t a hypothetical question, since your child was at a party with her friends the previous evening.

Negative response: Your daughter’s question may provoke an alarmed reaction from you, such as, “Are you going to parties where there is drinking? If you are, you’ll just have to stay home from now on.”

Better: Instead of assuming blame or switching into your lecture mode (bound to produce instant deafness in preteens), you could elicit more information with a remark such as, “That’s an important question. What do you think is the best way to handle it?” You can always express your values, but it’s more helpful to hear your child’s thoughts and reactions first.

Let lovable responses outweigh critical responses. In studies of successful marriages, researchers have found that loving communications outweigh critical ones.

The same dynamic holds true with children. When the words they hear from us usually sound critical, resentful or peevish (instead of helpful, loving and encouraging) children’s sense of self-worth and happiness can plummet.

Example: Your son is doing poorly in math class, and you are worried when he comes home with low scores on tests.

Negative response: You may feel it is your role to express disapproval and punish your son when he receives poor grades. Many parents think that negative reinforcement works and say something like, “You’re grounded until I see an improvement in your grades.”

Better: Instead of being punitive, you can view your son’s grades as a problem to be solved, saying, “I know how smart you are and what good ideas you can come up with. Let’s figure out what’s preventing you from doing better in math.”

Acknowledge your child’s uniqueness. It’s easy to forget that your children are not a direct reflection of you. They are unique individuals whose personalities, interests and abilities may be quite different from yours and also different from their siblings’. Your expectations should reflect an acceptance of the special individual your child is. Parents fail to express appreciation in their children’s special qualities when they compare them to other kids or label them.

Example: One of your children is shy, nervous and frightened of new situations. But your other child thrives on social activities and can’t wait to spread her wings. On your shy child’s first day of school, she is weepy and nervous. She tells you she is afraid to go to the new school.

Negative response: You think that your shy child is being too dependent or that her shyness is a problem. You may want to say, “That’s ridiculous. Look at your sister. She loves that school and she was never afraid, even on her first day.” This response will certainly not make her feel more confident. It can make her feel ashamed of her very real fears.

Better: You understand that your daughters have different styles and personalities. Rather than comparing one to the other, you might respond in a manner that is respectful of your shy child’s special need for reassurance.

In this context, you might say, “I’ll bet lots of kids are nervous on the first day they start a new school. It’s a big step. Remember, I’ll be waiting for you outside at 2:30.”

Not responding impulsively will help you listen carefully to your children and encourage you to respond in ways that will help them feel valued.