W hen children assert themselves at home or in public, their frustrated parents often ask themselves, "Who is in charge here?"
But responding to children’s challenges to your authority with phrases such as, "I set the rules around here" or "Because I said so" aren’t very effective. They aren’t convincing or persuasive, and kids recognize the weakness of these words.
I have found there are better ways to resolve parent-child conflicts without shouting or making yourself crazy.
THE BIG NO
By the time children can walk, their favorite word is no. They’re barely toddlers, and they are already asserting themselves.
This reality confounds parents who thought that they would have had at least a few years of being in charge. Children are constantly trying to develop autonomy, and no! becomes their declaration of independence. That can lead to repeated confrontations over the littlest things.
Example: A friend’s two-year-old boy had terrible temper tantrums when he didn’t get what he wanted. These tantrums typically occurred in stores when he wanted something and his mother wouldn’t let him have it. His ear-piercing shrieks were so terrible that his mother felt it was often much easier to give him what he wanted, rather than to put up with another episode.
Unfortunately, when we give in to demands after setting limits or saying no, we’re setting ourselves up for the behavior to be repeated.
Children learn that tantrums, whining, screaming or hitting are effective. It’s only natural, then, that they use them over and over again.
Better: Wait out the tantrum or remove your child from the scene if he/she doesn’t stop. Then get down to his eye level and say, quietly but firmly, "I know you really want me to buy you that candy, but we’re only getting groceries today."
This strategy may be difficult at first, but after the second or third episode, your child will begin to understand that your no is nonnegotiable.
DIVIDE AND CONQUER
Most kids have a flawless instinct for recognizing division in the ranks and using it to their advantage.
If you and your spouse have an obvious difference of opinion about a rule or method of discipline, your children are going to pick up on it and use that division to their advantage.
Example: A mother I know had a firm rule that her daughter was not allowed to eat at fast-food restaurants. She was intent on serving her family a nutritious diet, and she didn’t want her efforts undermined by greasy hamburgers and french fries.
But her daughter knew that her father didn’t really think it was such a big deal. So, on the way home from tennis practice, she urged him to stop at a fast-food restaurant. When he said, "You know your mother will be furious," the girl replied, "Oh, come on, Dad. She won’t have to know." He gave in. The next day, when her mother found a hamburger wrapper on the floor of the car, she exploded.
Trap: When this father gave in to his daughter’s persuasion, he may have made her feel happy at that moment, and he probably felt like a good guy.
But his action undermined his wife’s authority, not just in the area of fast food but in other matters as well. The message their daughter received was that she could play Mom and Dad against one another to get what she wanted.
Parents may not always agree with one another, but they have to avoid letting their kids divide and conquer. When parents show respect for one another’s wishes, they send an important message to their children.
Result: In the future, Dad picked healthier places to stop off for their traditional Dad-daughter snacks.
DELIBERATE DISOBEDIENCE
Parents believe that their job is to set the rules, and their children’s job is to follow them. But sometimes parents encounter situations when their children deliberately disobey them.
Typical scenario: Mom tells her son he can ride his bike with his friends but that she needs him home in one hour. When he arrives home two hours later with no real apology or excuse, she gets upset because the house rules or limits have been ignored.
Better: Kids need to know that being allowed to go out with friends is a privilege, and privileges come with certain obligations.
Parents have to be firm. That boy who was late returning home would likely follow the rules if he sensed that bike riding wasn’t a right but an activity he had to earn. Mom could have said, "If you do not show respect for the rules, the privilege of riding your bike before dinner will be withdrawn the next time."
WHO’S THE BOSS?
When children become defiant, they often say to their parents, "You’re not the boss over me!" This challenge to authority is hard for parents to deal with.
Example: Every time a parent in my workshop tried to get his daughter to do something she didn’t want to do, she fought him. He wondered, "Why can’t she just say OK once in a while?"
Helpful: Many power struggles can be avoided if we reduce the number of requests and rules we impose on our children and stick to the most important ones.
If this parent’s daughter had the impression that her father was constantly ordering her around or making too many nonnegotiable rules, it wouldn’t be surprising that she would respond in a defiant manner.
Better: Dad might need to be more flexible about less important rules and make it clear to his daughter which ones are nonnegotiable. He could also examine the tone in which he made his requests.
Example: "Why can’t you remember to take your dishes to the sink?" sounds like a challenge. A better way to put it would be as a request, such as "When you’re finished eating, I would appreciate your putting your dishes in the sink."
TELLING LIES
One of the hardest adjustments parents face is the first time their children walk out the door on their own. Parents can never again be absolutely certain what their children are doing. The feelings of helplessness get stronger as children grow older.
By the time your kids are teenagers, you can only hope they have absorbed enough of your values to make correct judgments and avoid putting themselves in harm’s way.
Example: The mother of a 14-year-old girl told her daughter that she wasn’t allowed to go to the mall with her friends after school. Mom assumed that was the end of the matter. But when a neighbor mentioned that she had seen the girl at the mall one afternoon, Mom was outraged. How could her daughter go against her will and say she had been studying at a friend’s house? This was a serious matter of broken trust.
One step ahead: Parents need to understand that sometimes kids lie. It doesn’t mean that they’re untrustworthy. Before she spoke to her daughter, the mother cooled down so she could avoid making assumptions about her daughter’s character. When she spoke with her daughter, the conversation was set in a nonblaming tone. She calmly stated, "A neighbor mentioned seeing you at the mall. I’d like to discuss the mall thing again."
If she had asked in an accusatory tone, "Were you at the mall today?" her daughter’s natural tendency would be to deny it. By opening up a dialogue rather than starting an argument, she initiated a more effective way to deal with the conflict.
