W e all have had the experience at some point. Maybe it's a blind date... or an interview for the job of a lifetime. You psych yourself up and resolve to make an unforgettable impression. But you try so hard that you wind up falling flat on your face.

Why, when a situation seems especially important, do we so often fail? Psychologists theorize that we sabotage ourselves because we think we are unworthy of our highest aspirations.

I see it much more simply. When we feel self-conscious, we try to control behaviors that are best left on automatic pilot.

EASE UP

Making an effort and being at ease are not polar opposites. They are complementary.

Example: An Olympic runner must put forth a heroic effort to win a medal. At the same time, he/she must "let go" intellectually. If he thinks too much, his stride loses its natural fluidity... and the race is lost.

There is a fine line between persistence and obsession. I know a talented entrepreneur who couldn't stop selling even after prospective clients indicated they were ready to buy. As a result, he literally talked himself out of deals. When he learned to stop running frantically after success, success came to him.

Sometimes, you just have to let success happen. It's like water. It won't boil if you don't light the fire. But if you keep taking the lid off to check every 10 seconds, it will take much longer to boil.

FORGET THE CLOCK

For all the hoopla about time management -- studies, courses, self-help books -- "successful" time management is largely illusory. Instead of thinking of time as an external reality, think of it as internal. How you experience it depends entirely on you. Five minutes spent listening to a boring sales pitch can seem like an eternity... five hours focused on a productive task can seem like five minutes.

Know yourself: If you prefer to think long and hard about each problem that confronts you, it is probably unwise to try to manage several tasks at once.

If you are action-oriented, on the other hand, you will be less effective if you focus on just one task.

Understand how you work best by observing yourself as you perform your tasks. Learn to manage yourself so you use time efficiently.

Delegate whenever possible. The biggest time-waster is the belief that no one else can do what you can do. No one is equally talented at every task. Give up the things that someone else can do better -- or at least as well. You even may have to accept slightly lower quality in order to focus on what you do best.

HAVE NO REGRETS

At the end of the day, congratulate yourself for what you accomplished -- whatever it was. Do not berate yourself for what you left undone.

BE RUTHLESS WITH PAPER

Once you touch a piece of paper, act on it... file it... or throw it away. Paper that clutters your desk sends a subconscious message that you're swamped or disorganized.

Larry Wong, former president of Ford Motor Company of Taiwan, has a foolproof paper-management method. He has three drawers -- one labeled relatively important... one labeled less important... and one labeled least important. Every week, any papers remaining in the first drawer are relegated to the second drawer... second-drawer leftovers to the third drawer. Whatever is left in the third drawer gets thrown away.

LOSE YOUR WORST FEAR

Paradoxically, the thing we cling to most fiercely is the thing that limits us the most.

I am talking about fear. Until you embrace the possibility of your worst fear coming true, you can't really be free from it.

Helpful: Imagine that you have one year to live. Write a description of what your life would be like. Then write a description of what your life would be like if you carried on with business as usual without the constraint of only one more year. Why are the two lists so different? Because one is governed by fear and the other is not.

Review the two lists, and you will understand why so many people who have had a near-death experience report a new willingness to embrace challenges as well as a new sense of freedom and peace.

Fear is not always bad. If you never experience it, you are probably living too safely, beneath your capacity and avoiding challenges. Do what you have to do in spite of your fear.