C ouples who are dissatisfied with their marriages don't have to resign themselves to lifelong misery... or get divorced. Often, simple changes can turn around even the most troubled marriage.

Insight: Recognize that things you have been doing haven't been working.

Change: Stop doing the wrong things... and start doing what creates good feelings.

This sounds simple -- and it is. But many couples keep nagging, criticizing, shouting -- even while recognizing that those behaviors only make things worse.

It takes only one person to break the vicious cycle of hurt. Strategies to improve any marriage...

REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES

To stay motivated through tough times, think back to your courtship. What first attracted you to your spouse?

Now -- look to see those qualities in your spouse. The more you pay attention to glimmers of positive feelings, the more positive feelings you will have.

COMPLIMENT GENEROUSLY

We feel closest to people who make us feel good about ourselves. If you say and do things that build up your partner -- and avoid things that make him/her feel worse -- your relationship will improve.

Of course, when your marriage is stressed, complimenting your spouse may be the last thing you feel like doing. It's much easier to think of all the things he is doing wrong.

Remember: People don't change because they're criticized. They change when warmth and goodwill motivate them to please their spouse... or to make their spouses happier.

Train yourself to notice the things you admire about your spouse -- no matter how small. Then tell your spouse.

If this still seems difficult, think about how parents behave. They may be frustrated or disappointed with their kids -- but they still find ways to acknowledge their good qualities. Adults need this as much as children.

Don't fake admiration. Compliment your spouse on things you admire.

Examples: I was really impressed with the way you negotiated our lease... That was a delicious meal -- you're a great cook.

WARM YOUR PARTNER'S HEART

Early in your relationship, you probably made a point of learning what actions made your partner feel cared for -- and you did them. When a marriage is under stress, spouses stop making these loving gestures... and resentment grows.

Look for opportunities to do special things for your partner.

Examples: Make your spouse a morning cup of tea... offer to watch the kids so your spouse can spend an evening with friends.

PRAISE SMALL CHANGES

Your partner may take a while to notice that you're acting differently -- and even longer to respond with loving gestures of his own.

Be patient. Try to notice any small steps in the right direction. Praising these improvements will encourage your spouse to continue making them.

Example: A wife was upset that her husband was always late for dinner. As she made changes to make the relationship more affectionate, he continued to come home late -- but started calling to tell her. She thanked him when he called ahead, resisting the urge to add, "I wish you would come home on time." Within a few weeks, he began to arrive at dinnertime.

DON'T PUT OFF SEX

Many couples avoid sex when they are having marriage problems because they feel emotionally distant. Yet sex can help couples feel closer.

If you're not in the mood, make love anyway. Don't think of it as something you are doing for the marriage... but as something that will make you feel good.

POSITIVE ANGER

All this talk about positive communication doesn't mean that you should bury what bothers you. But express complaints in a constructive way.

Raise your complaint when you are not feeling angry about it. This will help you keep your tone calm -- and prevent a nasty fight.

Start with something positive. Your partner is more likely to listen if you acknowledge what he is doing right.

Keep it short. Don't say more than a sentence or two before giving your partner a chance to respond. If you spend a lot of time detailing your point of view, your partner is likely to feel that you are lecturing -- and will stop listening.

Don't use past hurts to illustrate your gripe. Your spouse will feel that he can never stop paying for what went wrong in the past. Keep examples current.

Avoid your partner's alarm buttons. Words like "abusive" are overused -- and offensive. So are psychological interpretations such as, You're overreacting because your mother is so controlling.

Listen nondefensively. Instead of rebutting what your partner says, search for some small part with which you agree.

Example: Your partner says, The minute you walk in the house, you're grumpy. All you do is criticize me.

Ineffective response: That's not true. Two days ago, I sat down and had a drink with you. Don't you remember?

Better: I do feel tense when I come home.

Nondefensive listening stops an argument quickly... so you can work on a solution together.