L ife is full of problems. At home, at work, inside our heads and on our desks, things are seldom the way we want them to be.

There is a lot of help at hand -- a virtual problem industry of counselors, therapists, self-help books, articles and TV talk shows.

The trouble is, most of this talk aims to help you understand the origins of problems -- why you feel unhappy and which nasty early experiences make you unable to get along with your spouse or children. This is fascinating, but ultimately, it’s academic.

Only one thing matters -- how do you make your problems go away? You want solutions, not explanations. Fortunately, they’re not so hard to find -- if you know where to look.

DO ONE THING DIFFERENT

A problem is a recurring pattern that you don’t like... the same situation with its unpleasant feelings comes up over and over again. Examples...

You don’t want to bicker with your spouse over household chores -- but you do.

You know you should start exercising -- but you don’t.

You seem caught in an endless loop with no chance of escape.

There is a way out. Figure out exactly what you’re doing... and do something different. Something big, something small... it doesn’t matter.

When you’re stuck in a rut, the most important thing is simply to start climbing out.

FEELINGS VS. BEHAVIOR

You can’t change the way you feel. Exhortations to “be happy” when you’re depressed are unrealistic. Being admonished to “calm down” when you’re upset can be infuriating.

But you can change the way you act. Look at your own life as an anthropologist would. Study the actions you take over and over again. Find one link in that chain of behaviors that upsets you -- and do it differently.

The smallest change you can imagine may prove to be the big first step to getting out of the cycle. Examples...

If your office is disorganized: Spend 15 minutes or so straightening up one corner of your desk.

If you overeat: Don’t grab food from the refrigerator and consume it while standing at the counter. Allow yourself to eat what you want -- but only when sitting down at the table. Always use eating utensils.

If you are trying to stop smoking: Hold the cigarette in your left hand (assuming you’re right-handed) between your pinky and ring finger.

If work stress follows you home: Don’t allow it to interfere with family time. Shower, then change into casual clothes as soon as you walk in -- to shift from “work mode” to “home mode.”

Helpful: Be alert to what works -- to what gets you out of a bad mood or relieves your anger.

Example: One woman felt depressed every morning. She typically stayed in her nightclothes for hours and moped in front of the TV. But on some days, she’d finally get fed up, dress and go out for a walk. That made her feel better.

Once she recognized this pattern, she forced herself to get up right away -- every day -- and take a walk around the block, even though she didn’t feel like it. Soon she was walking a mile every morning... and eager to face the rest of the day.

NEW ATTITUDES

We also get stuck in thinking about things the same old way. What we focus on is what dominates our experience. We attach meanings that trap us in problem patterns.

This comes up repeatedly in relationships. You become aware of being bothered by something your spouse or a friend does. Soon it dominates your thinking of him/her. She’s always late... he never takes out the garbage... she reads the newspaper when you’re talking.

Instead: Focus on things the other person does right. She makes an effort to look nice every time you go out... he takes care of all the bookkeeping... she always has the coffee perking by the time you come down for breakfast.

An important change of focus is time. Brooding about the past casts a shadow over life. The present is acceptable, but you compare it to times when things were better... or you keep on thinking of lost loves, unrealized ambitions and things that didn’t work out as you had wanted.

Instead: Focus on the present. Paying attention to even the humblest details of daily life can distract you from pointless rumination about the past.

Alternative: Focus on the future. Imagine your life as you’d like it to be -- in detail. Work backward until the way from here to there becomes clear.

Thinking about your problems as being in the past puts your mind in “possibility mode” and brings the future to life. Examples...

“I have been a depressed person” instead of “I am a depressed person.”

“There have been times when I couldn’t plan effectively,” not “I can’t plan effectively.”

TAP THE POWER OF RITUALS

If you’re stuck in unresolved matters from the past, it’s difficult to move on. How can you take action to release yourself from an event that happened or a relationship that ended decades ago?

Solution: Find or create a concrete object that symbolizes the memory from which you want to free yourself.

Examples: A broken piece from the car in which you were riding when you had an accident... an old photo of the former spouse who clouds your memory... a caricature of an angry parent... the details of old financial mistakes.

Action: Then, with appropriate ceremony, burn it, bury it, throw it in the sea. And -- begin your new life.