P arents are torn today between being overly strict with their children or being overly permissive, neither of which works. Here's how to show children you're in charge -- without being a pushover or a dictator.

Express anger without insult. It's only human to get upset when kids disobey or provoke us. Parents have a right to feel angry. But we don't have a right to hurt, insult, belittle or frighten children.

Next time you're about to explode, take an adult "time-out" to cool off. Say, "I'll be in my room for 10 minutes, and we'll discuss this when I come out." When you emerge, listen to your child, especially when he/she is upset. Listening closely -- without interrupting or injecting heavy doses of advice -- shows you are interested and care about him.

Choose your battles. While clashes are inevitable, you don't have to get pulled into every skirmish. One of my favorite sayings is, If you're not selective, you're not effective. The trick is to decide what issues are important. Ask yourself, "Will this matter a week from now?"

Example: If leaving the house promptly in the morning is important, talk to your kids the night before about getting ready on time. Help them set out their clothes, and create a checklist with them of what needs to be done to avoid "morning madness."

Be more authoritative by talking less. Children become "parent deaf" when we endlessly lecture, nag and command. They've heard all of the arguments before, and they are bound to tune you out.

To get children to listen, shorten your message. Instead of preaching about how messy their rooms are, make a brief impersonal comment that describes what needs to be done.

Use consequences instead of punishment. Let's say that your child leaves his new in-line skates at school even after you've reminded him to bring them home -- and the skates are then stolen.

An authoritarian parent would lecture, "I warned you, but you never listen to me. You got just what you deserved. That's the last time I'll buy you anything expensive."

That won't teach your child to be more careful with his things. It will only make him angrier at you than he is with himself. Instead, take an authoritative approach...

"I can see you're upset that your skates are gone and that you'll have to do without them. Maybe you can think of a way to earn some money toward another pair."