W ith all the trouble that preteens are getting into these days, we thought it would be helpful to meet with Nancy Samalin about the big preteen issues...

Nancy, what can parents do to limit the volume of awful stuff that preteens are exposed to these days? A good start is to resist putting TVs or computers in their bedrooms. Put the TV and computer in areas of the house where everyone has access to them--and where you can talk with your preteens and they can talk with you about what they're watching or doing on-line.

Don't underestimate the power of your influence--even though kids won't say "thanks" for your sound advice or act grateful when you set limits on their behavior.

But they do want to know your opinions and values. Even when they reject your advice, at least some of it sinks in.

Preteens hear their parents, despite their oblivious attitudes. They only tune out when parents lecture, preach or scold. Helpful: Expressing opinions indirectly.

Example: Comment on the behavior of a TV character--"Seems she's being awfully irresponsible about her friend's safety." That is much more effective than a direct comment like "How could she be so reckless?"

Is it natural for parents to feel guilty when their kids accuse them of being too strict or mean? Yes, but you still must be willing to be unpopular.

It's desirable, even logical, to limit the amount of kids' allowances so that they aren't completely free to buy any video game or CD they want.

You also don't have to give them permission to go anywhere they want just because their friends' parents allow it or they claim "everyone else can."

The best way to love children is to set limits on their behavior... to say no when you need to.

Remember, you're competing with strong outside influences in popular culture, which demands great strength on your part.

How do you explain to preteens that they aren't old enough for some things? Even limited exposure to all types of adult themes in movies, news and music causes kids to think that they're emotionally ready to consume everything adults do.

While you can't stop them from feeling this way, you can play a greater role in shaping their impressions.

Example: If there's a controversial movie they're dying to see, go see it with them and later ask their opinions about it. Also, watch certain popular TV shows and videos with them.

Instead of lecturing preteens about how bad the movie was, ask them what they think about characters' actions and decisions. "What would you do in that situation?" This will draw them out... give you an insight into their thinking... and help get your values across.

It is also helpful to act the way that you want children to behave. Kids watch you, even when you aren't aware of it.

If you curse at drivers who cut you off in traffic, don't be surprised if your kids pick up your words and volatile reactions. This is also true of other negative behavior and attitudes. If you watch hours of TV or spend too much time on-line, your children will expect to be able to do the same.

Better: Participate in activities out-side the home with your kids.

Many parents assume they should spend less time with their children as they turn into young adults.

Just the opposite is true. Older kids need as much or more of our time. But they need a different kind of time--time spent talking during car rides, at mealtime and before bed.

We need to stay in touch with kids as they age--without hovering over them or being too intrusive.

How can parents question their children without being accused of doubting their judgment? Checking up on children's outside activities often is met with scorn. Trust is a big issue with preteens, who frequently tell parents, "I can't believe you don't trust me." This is their way of trying to force parents to keep their distance.

Better: Say, "I trust you, but I don't like the situation you're going to be in... " or, "You won't have control over what can happen when you're at your friend's house if no adults are there... " or, "I trust you to stay away from trouble, but I can't be sure that other kids will, too."

Ask about safety issues. And keep in touch with the parents of your children's friends to keep abreast of what their kids are doing.

Are there any effective ways to help kids resist peer pressure? While you can't pick your preteens' friends the way you could when they were toddlers, you can help them practice ways to resist negative peer pressure.

Example: There's a party next weekend. You know that the parents will be home chaperoning the event. But you also know that some kids do things they're not supposed to as soon as a chaperone's back is turned. Discuss the issues that can arise with your son or daughter before the party and ask lots of "what if?" questions.

Examples: "What if your friends dare you to do something you know is against our family's rules?"

Some parents have had great success giving their children "escape lines." These lines let preteens blame their parents when they are resisting pressure so that they feel more confident and less humiliated.

Example: Tell your preteen, "If someone offers you liquor or calls you a wimp because you refuse to drink, say, `No thanks. My dad always smells my breath when I come home... ' or, `I'll get grounded for a month if my mom finds out.'"